When speaking fast you can make yourself sound gay.
Own half the world's perfume industry and still never use deodorant.
You get to eat insect food like snails and frog's legs.
If there's a war you can surrender really early.
You don't have to read the subtitles on late night films on Channel 4.
You can test your own nuclear weapons in other people's countries.
You can be ugly and still become a famous film star.
Allow Germans to march up and down your most famous street humiliating your sense of national pride.
You don't have to bother with toilets, just shit in the street.
People think you're a great lover even when you're not.

You can have a woman president without electing her.
You can spell colour wrong and get away with it.
You can call Budweiser beer.
You can be a crook/adulterer and still be president.
If you've got enough money you can get elected to do anything.
If you can breathe you can get a gun.
You can invent a new public holiday every year.
You can play golf in the most hideous clothes ever made and nobody seems to care.
You get to call everyone you've never met "buddy".
You can think you're the greatest nation on earth when you're not at all.

Two World Wars and One World Cup doo-dah doo-dah.
Warm beer.
You get to confuse everyone with the rules of cricket.
You get to accept defeat graciously in major sporting events.
Union jack underpants.
Water shortages guaranteed every single summer.
You can live in the past and imagine you are still a world power.
Bathing once a week-whether you need to or not.
Ditto changing underwear.
Beats being Welsh.

It beats being an American.
Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground.
You can play hockey 12 months a year, outdoors.
Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground.
Where else can you travel 1000 miles over fresh water in a canoe?
A political leader can admit to smoking pot and his/her popularity ratings will rise.
Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground.
Kill Grizzly bears with huge shotguns and cover your house in their skins.
Own-an-eskimo scheme.
Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground.

Top 10 Reasons You know you are a Bulgarian:
1. You don't want to have or do any business with Bulgarians.
2. You started to drink at the age of 12.
3. Your grandma and grandpa live in your basement.
4. Your parents have a shot of rakiya for breakfast.
5. You live with your mom and dad until you are married.
6. Your mom tells you not to sit on cement or your ovaries will freeze.
7. When you can always smell garlic on your parents breath and they insist that it kills bacteria.
8. Your 15 year old sister can out-drink any American.
9. Your father calls you a dummy for not knowing how to do something he can't do either.
10. You are 18 years old but your parents still call you by your sibling's or pet's name.


The ideal Me


As homework the last two times in my English class I had to write essays on the subjects “Why should I buy a Mercedes” and “I’m a participant in VIP Dance”. Truly I didn’t have any desire to write on those subjects and I postponed it. Accidentally I found a list with 1000 writing ideas in the world wide web. I picked up the writing idea under number 298 – The ideal Me. I really hope my teacher won’t be angry about this change of the topic.

As most people I have an understanding and an illusion about my real and my ideal Me. The real Me is what I am and the ideal Me is what I wish to be. These both pictures don’t vary too much between. The “ideal Me” is just a perfect version of the “real Me”.

The “ideal Me” would have more time for family and friends. I want to spend more time with my family. Now I visit my family 5-6 times during the year because we live in different cities. As a better friend I should listen carefully and give valuable advices to my friends. It is impossible to be a better friend just by trying. A friendship connection just happens and you feel it this way, it’s not just a trial or hard work. But in cases we already have beautiful friendships, we have to try and keep them alive and colored.

The “Ideal Me” will find more time for me – I wish I had enough time to spend it at the gym and work out. I want to be fit and healthy. I want to watch out and choose correctly what, how and when to eat.

My “Ideal Me” should clean up often. In my dreams I would live in a dustfree home. At this point in my life I clean my house about 1-2 times every week. I always clean with that unpleasant feeling as I’m doing painful tasks. Cleaning, washing and ironing are tasks I vastly hate but unfortunatelly I could’t leave them to someone else. So, that’s why my ideal Me would have fun while cleaning, washing and ironing.

As a person I have positive and negative qualities. Of course I concentrate more on what I don’t have instead of enhancing what I possess. My ideal picture of Me should be more assertive and successful, less shy and humble. I wish I could be stronger to withstand to seductions, some temptations and challenges in everyday life. I wanna be more sociable and patient.

My real Me has sometimes good days, has sometimes bad days. I am smiling or sad, nervous or relaxed. In my ideal concept I would have more fun and would laugh more often. The ideal Me would be more happy.
But if I am happy every day in my life, how could I define what happiness is?

Woman's Prayer

Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep.
One who is handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long.
One who thinks before he speaks.
When he says he'll call, he won't wait weeks.
I pray that he is gainfully employed.
When I spend his cash, he won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door.
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind, and knows what to answer to "How big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And never ever attempt to hit on my friend.

A Man's Prayer

I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge breasts who owns a liquor store and a boat.